Most kids discover their penis or vulva at a similar stage of early development. They might “play with their privates” incidentally as a part of self-discovery or because it feels good. Sometimes, a child might show an interest in looking at other people’s genitals, too. This behavior often begins around age 2 and tends to decrease in both boys and girls after age 6. Though a young child’s interest in their own or another person’s genitals is a normal part of sexual development, it might be concerning or feel awkward for some family members or friends. In a public setting, a child’s sexual behavior, however innocent, can create embarrassing moments for a childcare provider, a parent, or even other children. For the most part, this behavior is nothing to worry about and is part of healthy sexual development. However, certain behaviors can also be a red flag of stress or possible abuse. Here are guidelines on what’s normal and what to expect when it comes to early sexual development. Additionally, find tips for helping children understand what is appropriate touching and what’s not.
What’s Typical
Young children commonly engage in a variety of normal behaviors involving exploring their own or their peers’ private parts. Babies will sometimes touch their own penis or vulva during diaper changes as a way of discovering their own body parts, just as they would grab their toes or faces. By around preschool age, children might start to show more curiosity specifically about private parts, what makes them different than other parts of our bodies, and how boys’ and girls’ bodies differ. From ages 2 to 6, the following are all common early sexual behaviors. However, typically developing children tend to engage in these behaviors infrequently and can easily be distracted away from doing them:
Being interested in looking at other people who are naked Looking at or touching a sibling’s genitals Masturbating at home or in public Showing their genitals to peers Sitting or standing too close to others Touching their genitals at home or in public
Sometimes, normally developing children engage in less common or uncommon early sexual behaviors. While not necessarily cause for alarm, these behaviors might warrant a discussion with a pediatrician to explore potential causes, like a new sibling or exposure to sexual content (such as in a movie) or accidentally witnessing sexual behavior at home. These less typical sexual behaviors include:
Engaging in any of the above sexual behavior more than occasionallyInserting objects in their own genitalsMimicking of sexual acts or intercourseRubbing their body against othersTouching an adult’s genitalsTrying to kiss others using their tongue
How to React
The appropriate reaction to kids playing with their privates or showing interest in others’ genitals depends on where these behaviors occur and how persistent they are. Most child experts caution that there is a big difference between innocent self-discovery and sexual behavior that bothers others or signals your own child’s distress.
Private vs. Public
When your child explores their own body in the privacy of your home, avoid scolding or shaming them. They are likely just doing what feels natural to them and not behaving in a way that adults would view as sexual. If you notice your child is touching themself, exposing themself, or showing interest in other people’s unclothed bodies, that may be a cue that it’s time to talk with them about the name and basic functions of sexual organs. When talking to young children about their privates, it’s recommended to take a matter-of-fact tone and use anatomically correct terms, like penis/testicles, vagina/vulva, and breasts. Made-up names can be confusing or communicate to kids that there’s something shameful about these body parts. Giving terminology to genitalia builds children’s vocabulary for future discussions and helps develop a bond of trust. An open, straightforward approach may make kids more comfortable to come to you with questions like how babies are made as well. Even if these questions come before you were planning to talk to your child about sex, it’s a good idea to answer them truthfully, with as little or as much detail as you think the individual child is ready to understand. Note though that simple answers often suffice. Discourage it swiftly, but without passing judgment or making a child feel that they are “bad.” Young children may also interpret parents’ responses of shame, laughing, or embarrassment as positive reactions, which can encourage them to keep doing the very behaviors you are trying to discourage. Even young kids can understand that certain things should not be done in public, whether it’s yelling in church or taking their penis out of their pants at the playground. Explain that a person’s private parts are just that—private—and that showing them to others can make people uncomfortable.
Appropriate vs. Inappropriate Touching
Some kids’ early sexual behavior might include curiosity about other people’s genitals. Experts say that preschool age is about the right time to explain the difference between appropriate touching—like high-fives, handshakes, and mutual hugs—and inappropriate touching. Your child may swat a friend’s backside, tickle them, or even lean in for a sudden embrace in a way that makes a peer feel uncomfortable. A good rule to reinforce with kids is that they should ask another person before touching or hugging them. You should also teach them that it’s not appropriate to touch anyone else’s body parts that a bathing suit might cover, or in any way that a friend resists through words (like “stop” or “no”) or actions (like pulling away). Equally important is explaining to young children what it means to have another person touch them in an inappropriate way. As early as possible, children should be taught to tell you immediately if a peer or grown-up touches their private parts or any body part in a way that hurts them or makes them feel scared or just “yucky.” You should also let them know it’s OK to not want to hug or kiss someone—even a grandparent or favorite teacher. Teach them to hold up a hand for a high-five or fist bump instead.
Potential Signs of Concerns
Sometimes, little kids may show more sexual behavior due to certain new circumstances or exposures at home or elsewhere. Sometimes, this is unavoidable and often it’s nothing to worry about. Although you may need to work more with your child around teaching boundaries and helping them to understand what is appropriate sexual behavior and language in public and private settings. For example, a new baby sibling whose genitals are seen during diaper changes or a breastfeeding parent who is exposed more than usual can trigger kids to be more curious about their own or others’ private parts. Children who live in households where adults are frequently nude or engage in sexual activities more openly may be more likely to engage in sexualized play. Exposure to R-rated or adult content may also prompt this behavior.
Possible Signs of Sexual Abuse
However, it’s important to also understand that certain early sexual behaviors can be a red flag that a child is being abused. About 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 13 boys experience sexual abuse at some point during their childhoods. As difficult as this may be to imagine, this abuse is often perpetrated by someone known to the child, such as a family friend, relative, or authority figure like a coach or teacher. The following sexual behaviors in young children are rarely normal, and experts recommend that parents contact their child’s pediatrician, their local child protective services division, or the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline (800-656-HOPE) if their kids exhibit them:
Anger from a child when a parent or caregiver asks them to stop a sexual behaviorCoercive sexual behavior (i.e., a child tries to force another child to do something or feels forced to do something)Sexual behavior between children who are 4 or more years apart in ageSexual behaviors that are highly aggressive in natureSexual behavior that causes a child emotional distress or pain
A Word From Verywell
Curiosity about genitalia is a perfectly normal part of early sexual development. When little kids touch their own genitals or show an interest in looking at other people’s private parts, they are most likely doing what young children are born to do: learning about themselves and the world around them. Sometimes, however, persistent, aggressive, or overt sexual behavior can be a sign that a child has seen or experienced something confusing or upsetting. For this reason, talking to young children about their private parts and inappropriate touching is key to keeping kids safe from an early age. The more comfortable kids are with talking frankly about human sexuality, the more likely they will be to come to you with problems or questions as they grow.
