Here are some things you should stop doing if you are fertility challenged, so you can start living a better, fuller life. Or, perhaps you have no idea what could possibly have led to your current fertility woes. But you’re sure it’s something you could have stopped had you only known better. Plus, most cases of infertility are either not preventable or not predictable. You really can’t know if you had done something different whether you’d be a Fertile Myrtle or not. Drop the blame, and focus on what’s most important now—moving forward and tackling the problem. There’s nothing wrong with deciding to keep trying and wait on treatment, or even deciding not to pursue fertility treatment in the end. But you shouldn’t avoid fertility testing. At least find out what is wrong and what your options may be. Get checked out, both you and your partner, and confirm that whatever is wrong can wait. Then, if you want, set a “miracle waiting” period. Speak to your doctor about how long they think you can try without losing valuable time. If you can’t conceive a biological child, maybe you can use an embryo donor, egg donor, or sperm donor. If you can’t use donor gametes, maybe you can adopt. If you can’t adopt, remember that people can live childfree and have happy, normal lives. To be clear, these other possibilities don’t magically make the pain go away. You will need time for grieving and healing from the trauma of infertility. However, when you start to wonder if you will never have a child, or when you start to think your life is ruined, try as best as you can to hold onto at least a sliver of hope. There is life after infertility. Please remember that. To the couples whose doctors tell them they are “too young,” despite trying for over a year… To the couples whose fertility clinics refused to try IVF with their own eggs because their chances aren’t great, not realizing that the clinic probably doesn’t want to “ruin” their track record with a risk… To the women whose doctors won’t test or treat them until they lose weight, but leave it to them to figure out how exactly to do so… You are not as helpless as it seems. If the doctor you’re seeing refuses to run an evaluation, go find a new doctor. If a clinic turns you down because your chances are “too low,” seek out a second opinion. If your doctor tells you to lose weight, be sure they evaluate and treat any hormonal imbalances that may make losing weight difficult, and ask for a referral to a nutritionist. Maybe go get a second opinion on whether you really need to lose weight first. The worst part about this is there are no breaks; there’s no anxiety-free time when you’re anxious about ovulating or anxious about feeling pregnant. Before you started trying to conceive, before you ever realized you faced infertility, you probably felt different about yourself—hopefully more positive. You need to remember that the old you is still there. You don’t become someone else when you’re diagnosed with infertility. If you were awesome and lovable before infertility, then you’re just as awesome and lovable after. If you doubt this, think about what you’d say to a friend who told you they felt ashamed and worthless because of their infertility. You probably wouldn’t say to them, “Yep, you’re right. You’re worthless!” No way. Before you tried to conceive, you likely thought of sex as something more than a means of getting pregnant. However, somehow, after you struggle with conception, sex turns into a broken conception machine. All the good stuff you used to enjoy—the passion, the warm feelings, the connection—may disappear. Sometimes, a fertility-challenged couple will wait until they have kids to begin their own family traditions or holiday traditions. They remember how it was in their homes growing up and feel like they can’t have those enjoyable rituals until they have children of their own. That’s not true. If you wait to live your life as a family, you may later regret the lost time. Start living as a family now. The authentic-family police won’t knock at your door if you don’t wait for two kids and a dog. When in the midst of infertility, it’s easy to stop considering your career or your education. The stress of infertility can make it difficult to concentrate at work, and that doesn’t help when it comes to professional aspirations. That said, it’s worth taking a step back and considering what your career goals are. Are there things you used to strive for, but have walked away from or forgotten? Your life is also more than just your career. There are your hobbies. Your general health habits. Your relationships. Exposing your fertility challenges to even one friend will shine a bit of light on the shame and lessen the shame you feel. Carefully consider the friends and family members who you think can be supportive and tell them what’s on your mind. If the person you tell reacts badly, don’t let that stop you. Try someone else until you find one person who you can be authentic with. It’ll be a relief to not hold it all inside. There’s a good chance someone you know has struggled with trying to conceive, but like you, they are keeping it secret. Be brave and break the silence. You have more opportunities for support than you realize. You can join a RESOLVE infertility support group. You can become a fertility forum member. You can start an infertility blog and participate in the very large fertility blogosphere. You can find a therapist who can help you through the difficult emotions of infertility. Speak to each other. Share your fears with each other, including the scary ones, like worries that your partner will leave you because you’re infertile. Lean on each other. If infertility has harmed your relationship, see a therapist together to address the issues.
