Risks of Staying Together
Parenting experts point to a number of negative effects on children raised in a family characterized by frequent anger, frustration, and pain. At the top of the list is that kids learn dysfunctional parenting skills that they carry on to the next generation. Research also shows that children may lead less successful lives as adults when they are raised in a home with constant conflict, stress, and unhappiness. One study notes that children of married parents with high levels of conflict are “no better off, and in fact may fare worse in some respects, than children of single parents.” In addition, children who grow up in high-conflict families can have difficulty in the following areas:
Developing positive self-esteemForming and maintaining relationshipsManaging emotionsTrusting others
Some kids say they are relieved when their parents finally divorce, as everyone ends up happier in the long run. Plus, each parent often gets to enjoy more one-on-one time with their kids after a divorce. Ex-spouses who receive support and work on healing after their divorce usually end up in a better place mentally and emotionally. They may actually have a healthier relationship with their kids as a single parent than if they had stayed in a bad marriage. Another risk of staying in a bad marriage just for the kids is that children may be at risk of neglect when parents are preoccupied with their own issues. Neglect can be physical, such as not providing healthy meals or avoiding parenting duties. It can also be emotional, such as when parents won’t attend important events together for their child or a parent is unwilling or unable to comfort their child due to their own emotional stress.
Value of Staying Together
In years past, parenting experts advised married couples to stay together regardless of the quality of their relationship. While that advice has changed somewhat based on newer research, parental divorce does involve significant risks for children. If parents can remain civil and work together to parent, even if they are sad or lonely, and avoid exposing the children to conflicts, co-parenting under the same roof may be feasible. But while parenting inherently requires sacrificing your own desires for the needs of your children, effectively and lovingly parenting children while living in a miserable marriage can be too big an ask. Significant emotional investment into creating a new and stronger bond between parents in an intact family is beneficial for everyone. However, couples need to communicate openly and clearly to decide whether they are both committed to that course of action.
Making the Decision
There are many factors to consider when making a decision about divorce. Here are a few questions to ask yourself.
Is There Abuse?
Parenting experts agree that children should not be kept in a family where there is abuse of any kind. If a child is living with a parent who is abusing them sexually, physically, or emotionally, divorce is absolutely necessary. There are certainly cases where an offending parent can get help, learn better parenting skills, and change their abusive behavior. In those cases, a separation may be in order. But when behavior is not changing, it is your responsibility to protect your children from abuse. In addition to child abuse, spousal abuse including physical, verbal, emotional, and financial abuse also warrants a reevaluation of the marriage. Mistreatment between parents is damaging not only to the parent being abused but also to the children who witness it. If you are living with abuse, don’t wait to address the issue. As long as you feel safe, approach your spouse about their behavior and see if they are open to making changes. If you don’t see indications that they are willing to improve how they treat you, it may be time to consider separation or divorce. Your safety and your children’s safety must be your top priority. If you ever feel that you or your children are in immediate danger, call 911 or your local abuse hotline to find a shelter where you can temporarily stay. There you’ll have a safe environment to work through the details of separation or divorce with your spouse. Kids who are raised in abusive homes often perpetuate the same dysfunctional behaviors they witnessed growing up.
Can You Cooperate as Parents?
One of the key issues when determining the fate of a marriage is whether the parents can agree to put their personal marital satisfaction on hold for the children’s sake. This is a tall order and not always possible, but it’s worth exploring before making a final decision. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database. If spouses can co-parent positively and keep their personal differences at bay for the sake of the kids, their children may have an advantage if their parents stay together. If not, the kids may be better served through an amicable divorce.
Can Your Marriage Be Repaired?
Perhaps the most critical question is whether the marriage has deteriorated to the point of being irreparable. Has the couple sought help from competent family therapists, clergy, or other similar resources? Has the couple followed trusted advice? Has there been marital infidelity? Have there been efforts made to rebuild trust? Prior to divorcing and enduring the stress that divorce creates, it’s important for couples to make a good faith effort to restore the marriage bond. Whether the spouses are willing and able to make that effort to rebuild their marriage for the sake of the children is an important question.
If Divorce Becomes Inevitable
The key challenge when parents divorce is making sure that both parents can work together for the sake of the children in parenting them effectively. Such an attitude and commitment make the process of divorce a bit less painful and more conducive to raising children who can thrive into adulthood.
A Word From Verywell
Deciding whether to divorce or stay in a troubled marriage is complicated, and it’s even more difficult when you have children. You must think of not only your own needs and desires but those of your kids as well. Know that you are not alone in this situation; many couples go through difficult times in their marriage and many are able to work it out and stay together. Other times, that’s not possible. If divorce is the path you decide to take, there are many resources available to help you navigate the process and create a new life for you and your children. Your family needs to have hope for a positive future, whether that’s in one home or two.
