Just talking about the holidays in general can be fraught with emotion. While it may be tempting to put off telling them until the last minute, you should talk to your family sooner rather than later. If you aren’t sure where to begin, try these suggestions to help you get the conversation started.
Give Yourself Permission to Stay Home
One of the most important aspects about communicating your plans to stay home is first being secure in your decision. If you aren’t completely confident, you’re more likely to waver, make excuses, or allow yourself to be talked into something you’re not comfortable with. Give yourself permission to do what you think is right. Of course it hurts to not be with relatives during the holidays, but if that’s what is best for you and your family, you need to be comfortable with that. Remember, one holiday season is just a blip on the radar of a person’s life. As long as you’re making efforts to connect in other ways (like FaceTime or Zoom calls), you’re still building and nurturing your relationships. Celebrating the holidays in different way doesn’t mean you love your family members any less.
Have the Conversation Soon
Any etiquette book will tell you that you need to let people know in advance if you’re not able to attend a celebration. The same holds true for family holiday gatherings. Once you’ve made a decision, tell your loved ones as soon as possible that you won’t be attending the annual holiday celebration. Having the conversation early not only demonstrates your love and respect for them, but it also allows them the flexibility to make alternate plans. Likewise, it keeps them from having to put a lot of extra work and expense into creating a celebration for people who won’t be there. Imagine how you would feel discovering your mom has spent weeks making candy or cookies for a crowd of people who don’t even plan to be there. Don’t set your family up for a disappointment like that.
Be Honest and Kind
When it comes to talking to your family members about the holidays, be direct, honest, and kind. In other words, get straight to the point, but do so without steamrolling them. For instance, start with something like “I’ve been thinking about the holidays and I’ve decided that we’re going to stay home this year and not travel.” From there, you can go into your reasons, but don’t make this part terribly long. Resist the urge to throw your partner under the bus. Take ownership for your choices and don’t make excuses. There are countless valid reasons for not spending the holidays with family members, from travel logistics to expenses to other conflicts and obligations. So share your concerns succinctly and leave it at that. Whatever you do, don’t make up a reason. Your family deserves the respect that comes with being honest, even if it’s hard to break the news. For example, resist the urge to say that you don’t have the money to travel if that truly is not the issue. If you do that, you run the risk that your family members will splurge for a plane ticket or offer to pay your expenses. Be honest upfront and you won’t have any awkward conversations later.
Allow Room for Their Emotions
As you prepare to talk with your family members, recognize that it’s completely normal for them to feel a little hurt and disappointed that you won’t be spending the holidays together this year. Allow them to share how they feel, and be empathetic as you respond. Resist the urge to try to talk them out of feeling upset. Instead, validate their feelings and allow them to air how disappointed they are. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to subject yourself to unneeded criticisms, should the conversation head in that direction. Choosing to spend the holidays at home does not make you a horrible person and you haven’t done anything wrong. Besides, you are not responsible for other people’s emotions. Yes, you should be understanding, but you are not in charge of making them feel better. With time, they will come to accept your decision and may even embrace having a holiday that looks a little different this year—especially if it means less work or less rushing around.
Offer Alternatives
While nothing beats in-person visits and a hug at the holidays, there are a number of alternatives for bonding with your family from afar. You just need to get creative. Things that cost little more than time and energy go a long way toward soothing hurt feelings. Plus, who knows? You may create some new family traditions along the way.
A Word From Verywell
Holiday celebrations may be disappointing if you are not able to spend time with the people you love. But trying to please everyone is never healthy. Make the decision that is right for you and your household and be comfortable with it. With a little creativity and effort, you can still connect with one another and build different memories and traditions.
