Also, note that pregnancy and postpartum depression are more frequent in people who have struggled to conceive. This may be partially hormonal and partially from the stress of infertility. Facing pregnancy-related depression does not imply you’re “ungrateful” or a “bad” mother. It is not your fault. Know that you don’t need to hold all your worries inside. Find at least one good friend to confide in. Also, consider seeing a therapist. All the emotional struggles of infertility do not magically disappear with a positive pregnancy test or even after a baby. It’s okay to ask for help. If you think you may be depressed, please talk to your OB/GYN. There are possible medical causes of depression and there are many treatment options that can provide relief. But when you get pregnant, you may worry about your still-infertile friends. You may feel like you are “leaving them behind.” You may feel like you need to downplay your excitement or be overly aware of posting pregnancy news and pictures on social media. You don’t want to hurt them and wonder how to best share your pregnancy news. Survivors’ guilt is a common and normal experience after infertility. Remember that many times, hearing your good news may offer hope and mutual excitement. Pregnancy envy may also occur but your friend is likely genuinely happy for you as well. So, talk to your friends in the infertility trenches. Don’t leave them in the dark about your pregnancy. Share your pregnancy news in a sensitive way. On social media, remember that it is possible (on Facebook anyway) to block people on certain posts or share photos to only a certain list of friends. This is one way to get around the guilt over sharing pictures. (But ask your infertile friends if they mind seeing your pregnancy photos before you block them. They may want to see!) If you’re close friends, consider talking about your survivor’s guilt. It’ll help clear the air. You’ll both feel more comfortable moving forward. If you’re in a support group, talk to the leader about how the transition from the group works. There may be a pregnancy/parenting after infertility support group nearby. If there isn’t yet, perhaps you could start one! On the darker side of denial, you may worry about bonding with your unborn baby. And you may be so worried about losing the pregnancy that you resist emotionally connecting to the experience. Don’t worry if you don’t feel like you are bonding with your unborn baby. As long as you eat and drink like you’re pregnant, not emotionally connecting with your pregnancy yet won’t hurt you or the baby. In fact, it’s normal to not bond right away with your newborn baby, either. It can take time and that’s okay. Keep reminders of the pregnancy around you. Put your first ultrasound picture on your refrigerator or keep the positive pregnancy test in your bedroom. Try not to fall into the trap of taking repeat pregnancy tests to confirm you’re still pregnant. They may naturally vary in darkness, and this may cause unnecessary anxiety. If you’re worried about bonding with your new baby or feeling depressed, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in fertility or pregnancy-related anxiety. Going from daily or weekly appointments to monthly ones without frequent scans can be unnerving. You may worry in between appointments that something is wrong, even if all signs show that things are going well. It is possible to have a healthy, uneventful pregnancy after infertility. If there are complications or your pregnancy is classified as high-risk, you may need more monitoring. But just having gone through infertility doesn’t single-handedly indicate more monitoring. Your doctor isn’t ignoring you. They are just treating you as they do any healthy pregnancy. And that’s a good thing! Talk to your OB/GYN about your discomfort. Many doctors are willing to see you slightly more often for peace of mind. Some doctors will even let you call ahead and schedule a quick walk-in appointment to check the heartbeat with the handheld doppler. Of course, if you have any worrisome symptoms or signs of a problem, don’t hesitate to call your doctor in between appointments. If you took fertility drugs, your risk of conceiving multiples is higher. Twins and triplet pregnancies do come with more risk to you and your baby. The risk of premature labor is also higher in people after infertility, even if you conceived just one baby. Being at a higher risk for complications doesn’t mean that they will happen. Those risks may still be small. Also, for some complications, there is nothing you or your doctor can do differently. It’s important you don’t put too much responsibility or misdirected blame on yourself if something does happen. Talk to your doctor about the risks you may face during pregnancy. Ask what you can do to reduce those risks if anything. For example, premature labor is more likely to occur if you’re dehydrated or not well nourished. One way you can further reduce your risk is to stay well hydrated and well-nourished. Sometimes, premature labor can be stopped if caught early enough. Knowing the signs and symptoms and when to call your doctor can increase the odds of carrying your baby to term or at least carrying your baby longer. A small part of you may wonder if all those people were right. Maybe you weren’t meant to have children. Maybe, somehow, you have tricked fate into giving you a baby even though you’re not fit to parent. If you have these thoughts, you’re not alone. Even those who haven’t dealt with infertility may worry whether they are going to be good parents. This is a common fear. Talk to people about your concerns. Whether you talk to a friend or therapist, saying your worries out loud can help you realize how unlikely they actually are to happen. Also, remember that you don’t have to figure out how to parent by yourself—or all at once. There are thousands of books, articles, and videos on parenting. You can also ask your family, friends, your child’s pediatrician, and parenting experts for advice. You’ll soon discover there are few right and wrong answers. There are so many ways to be a good parent, you’ll eventually learn what your parenting style is. It’s normal to feel out of place at first. Just be careful not to assume that you can’t connect with people who conceive quickly and easily. You may have more in common than you realize. There are support groups for those pregnant or parenting after infertility, both online and off. Connect with your local RESOLVE contact to see if they have an in-person group. When you’re with other pregnant people, look for common ground whenever possible. Maybe a particular one can’t relate to your IVF cycle, but they may have experienced a miscarriage. Or maybe you have similar hobbies that are non-baby related. Don’t let infertility become your only identity. For you, those years of struggle will likely increase your awareness and happiness in these moments. They may even bring you to tears. But you will also have moments when you’re not so thrilled. Times when you’re uncomfortable or not feeling well—morning sickness, backaches, feeling overheated. You may have spent years envying people who complained about morning sickness or lack of sleep when a baby is all you ever wanted. Now, you may feel determined not to complain. However, it really is okay to complain. It’s okay if you don’t love every single moment of your pregnancy. It is okay to not love vomiting every morning. And it is okay to feel exhausted with a newborn baby. For the special moments, record them. You may want to keep a journal or scrapbook, take a video during your doctor’s appointment to catch the first heartbeat sounds, or snap pictures of your growing bump from week to week. You may want to share these videos and pictures—on social media, with friends and family, or keep them to yourself. For the difficult moments, reach out for help. You do not need to prove yourself as a super-parent. Most importantly, please, complain if you feel like it. After everything you’ve gone through, you’ve earned the right!
