Empty Nest Syndrome
Empty nest syndrome is the name used to describe the sadness—and sometimes even distress—that parents feel when their children move out. People experiencing empty nest syndrome may display feelings of loss, sadness, anxiety, grief, irritability, and fear and it impacts both men and women. Here are the five most common signs of this syndrome. The good news is that after an adjustment period, you can find new purpose in your life. This is particularly true if you use the time to pick up a new hobby or tackle a new challenge. As you adjust, it’s normal to feel a sense of grief as you come to terms with the fact that a chapter of your life has ended. Just don’t lose sight of the new chapter that’s beginning—in your child’s life as well as your own. The lack of control over when your child is attending class, going to work, going on a date, or hanging out with friends can be frustrating. You might also feel a bit left out when you don’t know the details of your child’s day-to-day schedule. Research on the helicopter parenting style—characterized by over-involvement and “hovering” over a child—has shown that it backfires, actually producing a lower sense of well-being in college-age students. Although you have the best intentions, your adult child may resent what they see as an intrusion into their newly independent life. Even if they welcome your guidance and attention, too much checking in and giving direction will hinder your young adult from learning to make good decisions and handle life on their own. Remember that your child is using the skills you have taught them to begin navigating their own life, and this is an exciting time for them. Try to have confidence in their ability to learn and thrive independently. Your child still needs you and always will, but your role now should be one of an advisor rather than a constant source of instruction or correction in their life. Instead of trying to have control over the details of your child’s life, focus on coping with your discomfort in healthy ways. Try one of these ideas:
Pursuing interests you didn’t have time for when your kids were at homeTaking a class on an interesting topicReconnecting with friendsLearning a new skill
With time, having an empty nest will get easier. You’ll get used to your child being in charge of their own life and you can begin to develop a new sense of normal in your life. Becoming an empty nester can stir up a variety of emotions. You may be feeling:
Sad that your child has grown upAngry at yourself for not being more available to them in the pastNervous about the state of your marriageScared that you’re growing olderFrustrated that you’re not where you imagined you’d be at this phase in your life
Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up, and remember that emotions are not right or wrong. Rather, they are a reflection of the situation you’re facing. Fully experiencing uncomfortable emotions, for as long as it takes until they subside on their own, can actually help those feelings run their course and fade away more quickly. You may not know what to do with yourselves as a couple if your activities always revolved around kids’ school and activities. Getting to know one another again can feel like a bit of a challenge. Also, some couples find they react differently to becoming empty nesters. If one of you is adjusting better or appreciating life without kids in the home more than the other, you may experience more tension in the relationship. Make it a goal to get reacquainted to life as a twosome. Checking in multiple times a day or investing hours into checking your child’s social media accounts won’t be helpful to either of you. Avoid calling to ask them if they are remembering to floss or to nag them about doing their homework. This is your child’s opportunity to spread their wings and practice using all those skills you taught them while they lived at home. If you feel like your life no longer has meaning or you think your depression or anxiety might be worse than what’s normal, seek professional help. Surrounding yourself with people who know how you feel—whether it’s a support group or friends going through the same process—can also help you get through this difficult time. You have done your job as a parent, and now it’s time to enjoy life as a parent of adult children, with all the freedom and opportunities that it can provide.
