You may first feel as if you have no idea how to handle the situation, but with time, new preemie parents grow confident in their understanding of what is happening and what to expect. So even if you’re feeling lost now, give these 10 suggestions below a try. They’ll get you off to a good start. Instead, talk to your baby’s doctors and nurses and consult with other NICU parents you meet. If you must go online to do research because you feel you’re just not getting the answers you need, remember that the scary stuff and the negativity is not your baby and it’s not guaranteed for every baby. Stay focused on the positives. Why bother? Because when you feel a little bit more comfortable in your surroundings, it helps ease your anxiety and makes the time together more enjoyable. And that’s well worth it.
Baby blankets (for a personal touch to remind them of home) Baby clothes (when your baby is ready to be dressed in clothes) Pictures of mom, dad, siblings, pets, family, etc., to tape to the incubator Stuffed animals (to place near the bedside, not in bed with baby) Items of spiritual significance, such as prayer cards or rosary beads (again, to place near the bedside, not in bed with baby) Drawings from siblings, notes from parents, etc.
But are you feeling wild, insane jealousy? Jealous of your friends who are still pregnant, of the baby in the bed next to yours who is going home tomorrow, of every single family who didn’t have to go through the NICU? And then the next instant, are you feeling terrible guilt for not being able to carry your baby to term, for having a baby who isn’t as sick as the baby in the next bed, maybe feeling as though you’ve burdened your baby with faulty genetics? You’re not alone. It’s natural to feel this way. Every single emotion imaginable has raced through the hearts and minds of parents of preterm infants: Fear, anger, rage, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, remorse, grief, confusion, and countless others. So don’t feel surprised or alone because of your feelings. They’re normal, and they will fade in time. But you do need to pay attention to them and get help if they overwhelm you. While parents of preterm infants are surrounded by doctors and nurses day in and day out in the NICU, it is the responsibility and priority of the NICU staff to focus on the health of the baby. Parents are often so worried about their preemie that they may overlook their own mental well-being, as well. Many NICU nurses make an effort to be aware of the emotional strain that parents are feeling, this is not always the case. Some parents say they received little to no emotional support from the NICU. Fortunately, more NICUs are starting to change that and prioritize the well-being of parents, as well as babies. But it’s up to you to reach out. Ask the NICU staff if there are social workers available. Ask if there’s a support group for NICU parents (because they really do help). Seek a therapist. Or check out NICU Healing, an incredible online resource for navigating the emotions that come with everything about the NICU, as well as the stress that comes with having a preemie. Do what you can to take care of your relationship—your baby will only benefit from it as a result. Take walks together every once in a while, talk honestly about your emotions, and be extra patient with each other. Try your very best to honor the way your partner needs to cope with the ordeal and, at the same time, honor the way you need to cope, too. The NICU can also strain relationships with other children in the family. It can feel as though you can’t possibly meet everyone’s needs. You can only do your best, remembering that everyone in the family is feeling the stress. There is no right or wrong. Just try to do what feels best to you. If you want to visit your baby often, great. If you want or need time away from the NICU, that’s fine, too. If you want to quietly read stories to your baby or sing lullabies, go for it. If you want to be included in more of your baby’s care, speak up and let the nurses know. If you meet resistance from the staff, try to work together with them, but be clear about your parenting goals. If you’re confused or worried or frustrated and you don’t speak up, the staff will never know. They will most likely think you understand everything that’s going on. So ask. They’ve heard it all, and there are no dumb questions. If you think about it, many different types of families come through the NICU. The staff really have no way of predicting what anyone wants. Don’t wait for the nurses or doctors to ask you. If there’s something you want to know, then please speak up. Sometimes nurses are very busy, so on some days, it might be up to you to ask for kangaroo care. Even as babies get older and are dressed in clothes, it’s still important to the health and vitality of your preemie to practice skin-to-skin contact. If in the odd chance your request is met with any resistance, you could always quote from an article on the topic or speak to the charge nurse or your baby’s doctor. On the flip side, if you don’t like a particular nurse, you can ask not to have that nurse assigned to your baby. It is perfectly acceptable, and it does happen from time to time. And regardless, this is your baby, so you should feel comfortable with the people who are responsible for their care. The NICU journey can be a very long one, so make the most of it by asking to have the neonatal caregivers you prefer. And yet, there are little bright moments in most days—a day of less bradycardia (slow heart rate) spells, or perhaps a tiny little weight gain? There is good in doing a diaper change for the first time, even if you felt terrified. There is good in the new friendships you make with other NICU parents. There’s the first time your little baby can wear clothes or takes a first full feeding. There’s feeling their tiny hand in yours. There’s the strength you’re gaining by getting up day after day and being there for your child. It’s up to you to decide. Will you focus 100% of your attention on all the difficulty, stress, and anxiety, or can you spare a little energy looking for the good? If you can, you’ll feel a whole lot better. Give yourself permission to cherish these little joys. Find reasons to smile, laugh, and celebrate.
